For the first time I took a trip to Australia and was blessed with encountering good weather, nice people, lots of beer, plenty of fun, and decent food. Australia is a great vacation destination by any definition.
Normally every day at 9:30 my bus gets backed out of the garage, wind, rain or shine, but the 14-hour flight and airline food had me a bit stopped up. This might have been a problem while my girlfriend and I were walking, but due to the large number of public toilets around us I was not worried.
About two hours later my body decided it was time to push some putty. I spotted a toilet about a block away and started to walk toward it. From the distance it looked like a pay toilet. While I am not fond of paying for privilege, I did not think I would have much choice in the matter. While I was far from experiencing urgent time, it was also a great relief knowing I would not need to take chances or start to hunt for another facility. I figured it would not be a greatest misfortune to pay this time.
So, I continued to walk toward the toilet with purpose, and like most Americans crossing the street, I looked to the left. My girlfriend, who is to my right and behind me, called my name with a sense of urgency that told me either something bad was about to happen or I was in trouble. I turned to my right and much to my surprise I found that something bad was indeed about to happen. I found a both a bus bearing down on me and a frantic girlfriend who thought she was about to witness a very, very messy and untimely death, and that my flight home would be via cargo rather than in the cabin.
I jumped back on the curb and quickly wiped newly formed sweat off my forehead and thought, “How could I miss a fucking bus? A bus, damn it, not a motorcycle. Not a bike, but a bus. How the fuck can I miss a bus?” I muttered to myself to look right because people drive on the left... Look right... right... right... you idiot. I can clearly see what the page four article in the newspaper was going to say: ”An idiot looking the wrong way was killed yesterday when he walked off a curb and was hit by a bus. The bus did not have time to stop." Everyone would think the same thing: How the fuck did that guy miss a bus?
The bus passed and the driver stared at me like I was on drugs. After the bus went by and I safely crossed the street I found myself next to an Exeloo, which is not a pay toilet but just an automatic toilet. “Score!" I thought and let myself in with a push of a button. The door closed behind me and I pushed another button to lock the door. Then I dropped trou and went to work.
Matter was not exactly coming out at the speed of sound, but my works were not all stopped up either. It is moving slowly. Think chunky peanut butter.
I was in the Exaloo for what seemed like a minute or two, with my pants at my knees, when an ominous-sounding voice said, "Internal sensors do not detect any movement. Please move around or the toilet will revert to an empty state."
I started waving my arms frantically, thinking this would be enough to activate whatever sensor needed to be activated; however it was not enough. They did not detect the guy on the can having a seizure and decided now was a great time to revert to an "empty state".
I found myself sitting on the can with the door open, with my pants down at my knees, not yet finished but still feeling the urge to go. I grabbed the front part of my pants, pulled them up just enough to cover my business, and did my best kangaroo impression as I hopped across the Exeloo and hit the button that closed the door. At least no one was waiting outside to use the toilet.
The door shut again and I figured that I had to plan this time. But in just a few minutes time I received an education that no book would ever teach me: never try to outwit an Exeloo. I hopped back to my throne, sat down and continued doing the crossword puzzle. Sure enough the internal sensor did not detect movement and the Exaloo was once again going to revert to an empty state. Since I could reach the hand-washing facilities from the can I figured my doing so would override the internal sensor. After all, if the toilet was empty there would be no way for the water to be turned on. Surely this should work.
If you are an Exeloo veteran you know what is going to happen next.
The water started to run and I began to wash my hands; however the washing on the hands also triggers a toilet flush. This thing must have had its volume cranked to eleven as the biggest flush and coldest water I have ever felt decided to rush out. My ass was sure the mighty Mississippi was only inches away. Now my ass was wet and cold and my hands were wet. The Exeloo still thought it was unoccupied and decided this was the best possible time to revert to an unoccupied state. Slowly, the door began to open and I watched it. I looked at the slowly opening crack expecting to see someone doing the dance just outside, but I was lucky – no one was waiting. I kangaroo-hopped once again and closed the door one more time, figuring that enough was enough. It was time to clean up and go the other toilet next door.
I sat down one more time and started the process of clean up. Many public toilets supply full rolls of toilet paper. Not the Exeloo. It offers a paper button that you press. I pressed the button and waited. Nothing happened. I waited another ten seconds and pressed it again. Again, nothing happened, so I hit the button with my fist and held it down. I could tell it has registered because I heard motors starting to spin, and slowly it began to dispense paper. And stopped dispensing after giving me four inches worth. I hit the button again, and again I was given another four inches. I repeated this a few more times and was rewarded with sixteen inches of toilet paper – a good starting point. Basically, I cleaned up enough so I could travel from one Exeloo to another, to try to finish what I have started, but I no longer felt the need to finish the original project.
As I started to leave I found someone was about to enter. I tried to warn him that unit was busted, but to no avail. He just muttered, "It does not look broken to me."
I caught up with my girlfriend and she asked me what took so long. I told her about my misadventure and warned her to keep an eye on the bathroom door. My guess was that it was going to open any second and shut again without anyone exiting.
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